New Year.

It will soon be the new year. I'm not one to make resolutions because honestly they never really fall through and everyone can testify to that being some what accurate. I really, truly would like to try to make it through the year without being so negative. I'm not very well liked at my job, I don't get overwhelmed with romance at home but I really don't have to be such a miserable oaf. My emotions, act of victimizing is something I've been used to my whole life. It's all I know. 

I see things that don't exist when something doesn't go according to the script in my head. yeah, that's actually a good way of looking at it. If something goes away from the script I have already planned out in my head I feel immediately threatened and afraid.   I guess i'm just so afraid things will leave and never return. But we've been over this already. The point is I'd like to try and keep things the way they are and over analyze everything. I want things to go accordingly and work perfectly. 

Lord will not fail me! He truly has never failed me! he's given me everything i'I've ever asked for. All at a good time his timing is impeccable with such things.

 I'll be in this year as a wife and a functioning member of society! I am eager to see where this year takes me...Little nervous but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't part of his mighty plan! "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3 
Happy New Year Everyone!....

PS: this is will be my first new year's eve kiss! worth the wait!

Earth To Me.

Why does stress and anxiety cause memory to become non existent.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that she is in fact envious of me. I had gotten here and everything had been working out smoothly. I fell more in love with my fiance tonight due to the pure open honesty that I had already put together. His mother will soon have to let him go..Some mother's cannot simply handle this fact. Eventually the children leave the nest. Or in this case at least her guidance. I'm the wife, I am in charge. Do not cross me you won't win. I will always have the control.
I don't ever want it to come down to anything negative. Ever! but I have a game plan prepared. Always have one. Their mother's ladies are not as scary as the media makes them out too be. You have to be honest with your partners and explain to them the lines that can and can not be crossed.
Just a friendly reminder to myself. Tolerate, Appease and kiss their ass until most comfortable. Impeccable actress I can be. Impeccable. Ah, but so can she. So can she

Learning

Living with someone is an adjustment if you've never done it before. I've lived with my parents and brother my entire existence. Out of nowhere I now am going to be a wife. Living with a male other than the two I've known my entire life is different. You learn to love that person flaws and all and you learn how to except them, grow with them, fix them or adapt.

I'm very good at adapting to things I've had to do that most of my life. When a man's flaws aren't terrible and are something you can live with it's not so bad. I must not forget this is still new. We are both in this together and learning how things work. I'm trying not to over think details that do not exist.

Why do we let ourselves be consumed by pure evil thoughts? By things that are not of God? Tonight, I asked him something that made him feel like I'm not trusting..I am.....but I'm not . I go off other people's experiences, my past and some other people's present. I do not live in the now. I do not live with a day by day strategy.

There are things you learn about each other in the process of this whole thing. "Dating" is such a cover up story to some couples I think. A lot of people don't want to marry or move in, I think because then you would be not only limiting yourself blah blah but you must show that person who you are. You become vulnerable to the next extreme. At risk of being murdered emotionally, mentally and sending your heart into the meat grinder.

I told myself I would never find anyone to tolerate me. I told myself I was meant for the cat world, I told myself so many things that just weren't true. I spoke to the lord and I asked him I said look, when you find the guy for me let me know I don't need this.

I was stuck for a long time. Until the lord sent him to me. I saw past a lot of his flaws and things I didn't know I could love about a person. He has kinks but who doesn't? Rome wasn't built in a day and no one is perfect. I keep forgetting. The one thing about us two is that from the beginning we didn't put on a show for each other we said take it or leave it. I took it, He took it. I have faith It needs to be stronger.

I will pray for the strength to not look at what other's look at. Looking at the heart, the heart is full of love. I need to stop wanting things in return. Love does not expect wage.

Be careful what you think, your thoughts run your life. Proverbs 4:23 

 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3 

Someone asked me questions.

• How old are you?

• 20 going on 200 

• Top 6 favorite bands?

• Of Mice & Men, Asking Alexandria, Journey (Original), HIM, Motionless in White and Miss May I 

• 
  

• Top 6 favorite fictional characters?

• Draco Malfoy, Tate Langdon, Sophia Patrillo, Michael Guerin, Spencer Reid and Silas Botwin

• 
  

• Crazy facts about you?

• I am a cat whisperer, obsessed with cats, I'm way overly emotional, over thinker, Disney obsessed, American Horror Story obsessed, My parents and my fiance are my best friends in this whole planet and I'm getting married in March. 

• 
  

• Top 5 favorite OTPs?

• Tate/Violet, Kyle/Zoe, Draco/Hermione, Jared Leto/Lady Gaga, Michael/Isabel and The Joker/Harley Quinn 

• 
  

• Favorite holiday?

• i really do enjoy Christmas and Halloween....My birthday is like a holiday

• Favorite movie?

• Passion Of The Christ ,Girl Interrupted, Requiem For A Dream, The Great Gatsby & The Prince Of Egypt

• 
  

• Dream job?

• Singer artist, Fashion designer 

• Do you have a crush on someone right now? if yes, describe him/her

• My soon to be husband. I can't describe him he just fits me somehow I love him 

• Favorite food?

• Chinese. ...... i'm an italian so what do you think?

Cellar Door

Everything bother's me. I over think every single detail of my life, It's getting to the point where I feel isolated. No one is perfect I don't expect anyone to be perfect! Perfection to me has different details. I get so sad out of nowhere I worry about little things about things that aren't there. Things that don't exist

I'm extremely annoyed today, I'm very agitated because things were said that should not have been said

Mockingbird.

Have you ever loved something so much you were afraid of losing it? That's me. 
I haven't loved someone so much in a long time. Other than my mother and father. After my father's passing I hid in the shadows of life. I loved my mother and my brother and feared losing them all the time. 

After I found my soon to be husband it was another thing on the list I feared losing. There's nobody like him, anywhere at all. I truly believe my mother and I found the only two compassionate loving men in this world. Sadly, one is gone now. I have mine..I don't want to lose him. 

My father was the only man in my earthly life I was devoted too next to Jesus. But Jesus was in heaven...But now so is my dad it's such a sad reality I wake up to every morning. Then before I start to hurt I remember they both gave me my fiance. I remember they sent him to me for a reason, to help me through all this. Then I feel better. 

Things go accordingly when you include the lord in your plans. I ask him all the time to help me with such ideas I have in my head. So far he's given me so much to be thankful for...So much to be relieved about . It all took a bit of time an some bumpy heartaches but i'm here and i've learned quite afew things along the way haven't I? 

I suppose I did. Prayer's for me and those like me. 

Modern Myth

Are we really happy or is it all a myth? How do we trick ourselves into being happy?How do we trick ourselves into believing that there will be a good outcome out of a bad one?

For most people that is the question. For a long time now I've been so comforted by my sadness that the idea of happiness is very much full of fear. There's always a chance things get shaky. I believe it's my job as a faithful believer to follow his will. He didn't put me in this path if it weren't for good reason.

If I had to learn anything from my father's passing it was most defiantly that life can change in an instant. I guess that's why I was so afraid of moving on, Why I was so afraid of living.

Update: I moved to Texas and I'm getting married! I'm healthier too!

Teen Idle

I wish I wasn’t such a narcissist

I wish I didn’t really kiss the mirror when I’m on my own

Oh God! I’m gonna die alone

Adolescence didn’t make sense

A little loss of innocence

The ugly years of being a fool

Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?

Ride.

If you don’t have a secret then I suppose you're a lifer like me. You're stuck in a state of mind you can’t leave. Sort of like earth, no matter where you go you're stuck in the same planet, same hemisphere. This is my rant. 

Why does everyone’s light and sun continue to shine when your world is ending? when love is not enough. I can’t understand what goes through the chemicals of the brain. I wish I had a cure to my madness but without it I’m afraid i’d lose myself. 

Why does my heart go on beating? why do these eyes of mine cry? I cry 4 times a week. that 4 days out of 7. Suicide is not an option but more like an idealization. I can’t understand why I see things in a life or death situation. 

Cries for help, What help am i looking for? What do I need?  What am I missing? something is off isn't it? On the borderline of what and what. 

but there’s no use in talking to people who have home, a home in the mind. because They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head. or in this case to rely on yourself. 

When you're at war with yourself you don’t function properly. Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?

Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.

Girl, Interrupted

So, I started this blog to get my feelings out. There are many things I long to say and need people to hear. I can only hope that there are people out there that feel the same way I do about many things. In particular love, mental illness, death and school. Anything that comes to mind really. I have been through so many trials and tribulations all before the age of 20.

I don't know if anyone is reading this or even cares. I'll just post until I imagine myself better.