I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been busy in my own head. So busy I have completely given up on what I love to do the most. The main hobbies I enjoy the most are completely meaningless too me inside. I yearn to do them and I want to go back to what I used to do. How do you go back to that? when does the pleasure of having dreams come back when you feel like you have completely lost yourself within other people? 

I feel trapped, Trapped inside an amazing hole. This black hole i currently live in is a blessing, I have been given everything! everything and yet I still find so many errors within the gifts. I sit back and i realize everyday it's because of the chemicals in my brain. 

Those chemicals do not go away over night and they do not go away over a mass number of years you tell yourself. It's a trial and error process. Some people I know, some people that claim to care about me sit back and observe me like i'm an animal being tested for reaction and soon to be death. That's how it feels. It burns inside like lava soothed fire. 

I am not a robot, I am not an average everyday living woman I have certain needs and a chemical reaction that can change me and my life instantly if i'm not careful enough.
I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to talk to others, I want my bed and my love. I want to trap ourselves in a disillusion forever life seems like it would be more pleasant that way. 

As of now i was currently a potential blessing but heres the thing what if this blessing a wolf in sheeps clothing? is there any way to tell? Do I take the chance agian? .........






well, why not.