Friday, March 13, 2015

“With wild eyes that had seen freedom.” 

― Susanna Kaysen,

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Age 18

Tall Tales

I can't think from all the pills. And bury me under 6 feet of regret
and I am lost without you.
They all said you were better off dead. 

Now, look at us crawling over your grave and crying.
And I know what this hallow pit in my stomach felt like.
There's a lie being told about your death.

I will hold all the answers and truths that need not to be told. Like Jack the Ripper's tall tales from the dark side.
When you walk the earth again, I'll look up and know it is really you.

They won't believe and they'll suffer. I'll see the golden rays of light reflecting.

Age 17

I feel sick. Sick and tired, Tired of the fear.
My fears for things make me feel like the dirt beneath me.
My blood boils and feels like lava. My head aches and feels like an earthquake.

I can't sleep. I would love to and not be in fear of the unknown.
I can't eat. Only for the chunks to rise
This is going get the best of me and I’ll never be the same.

I would like to cry. I cry all the time,
I would like to cry harder. I feel so terrified of the unknown
I question humanity and wonder why they do what they do.

I need God to cast it off..


No chances for goodbyes.

No explanations,

no reasons why.

You left without any notations.
I wanted to rip out my soul 
Can you hear me?

You left me here wounded.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Susanna Kaysen; Girl, Interrupted

  • I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
  • Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.
  •  With wild eyes that had seen freedom
  •  As far as I could see, life demanded skills I didn't have 
  • “I was trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, You are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.
  •  The point is, the brain talks to itself, and by talking to itself changes its perceptions. To make a new version of the not-entirely-false model, imagine the first interpreter as a foreign correspondent, reporting from the world.
  • When I was supposed to be awake, I was asleep. When I was supposed to sleep, I was silent. When a pleasure offered itself to me, I avoided it. 
  • Emptiness and boredom: what an understatement. What I felt was complete desolation. Desolation, despair, and depression. isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well fed, clothes, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. 
  • I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't.
  • It was a spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of
    warm earth. Suicide weather. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been busy in my own head. So busy I have completely given up on what I love to do the most. The main hobbies I enjoy the most are completely meaningless too me inside. I yearn to do them and I want to go back to what I used to do. How do you go back to that? when does the pleasure of having dreams come back when you feel like you have completely lost yourself within other people? 

I feel trapped, Trapped inside an amazing hole. This black hole i currently live in is a blessing, I have been given everything! everything and yet I still find so many errors within the gifts. I sit back and i realize everyday it's because of the chemicals in my brain. 

Those chemicals do not go away over night and they do not go away over a mass number of years you tell yourself. It's a trial and error process. Some people I know, some people that claim to care about me sit back and observe me like i'm an animal being tested for reaction and soon to be death. That's how it feels. It burns inside like lava soothed fire. 

I am not a robot, I am not an average everyday living woman I have certain needs and a chemical reaction that can change me and my life instantly if i'm not careful enough.
I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to talk to others, I want my bed and my love. I want to trap ourselves in a disillusion forever life seems like it would be more pleasant that way. 

As of now i was currently a potential blessing but heres the thing what if this blessing a wolf in sheeps clothing? is there any way to tell? Do I take the chance agian? .........

well, why not.