I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been busy in my own head. So busy I have completely given up on what I love to do the most. The main hobbies I enjoy the most are completely meaningless too me inside. I yearn to do them and I want to go back to what I used to do. How do you go back to that? when does the pleasure of having dreams come back when you feel like you have completely lost yourself within other people?
I feel trapped, Trapped inside an amazing hole. This black hole i currently live in is a blessing, I have been given everything! everything and yet I still find so many errors within the gifts. I sit back and i realize everyday it's because of the chemicals in my brain.
Those chemicals do not go away over night and they do not go away over a mass number of years you tell yourself. It's a trial and error process. Some people I know, some people that claim to care about me sit back and observe me like i'm an animal being tested for reaction and soon to be death. That's how it feels. It burns inside like lava soothed fire.
I am not a robot, I am not an average everyday living woman I have certain needs and a chemical reaction that can change me and my life instantly if i'm not careful enough.
I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to talk to others, I want my bed and my love. I want to trap ourselves in a disillusion forever life seems like it would be more pleasant that way.
As of now i was currently a potential blessing but heres the thing what if this blessing a wolf in sheeps clothing? is there any way to tell? Do I take the chance agian? .........
well, why not.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Down on the West Coast.
Down on the west coast, I've lost all of my sense of reality. Why was it so much harder to live a normal road of life somewhere where else? What makes the way I live now any different? my mind and my sanity have only seemed to have shifted in different directions. my life seems to be finally moving to a forward wheel and i'm finally learning the ins and outs of life. A lot of my friendships down on the west coast are broken and shattered I have been trying to make some amends to some people I have dragged down with me to the pit of loneliness, anger, pain and resentment I was in at the time. When we leave foot prints on people why do we go back and try to cover them up? The conscience is a very powerful thing. Weather or not someone allows the print to be covered is entirely up to them.
Did I try to make amends to my myself feel better or to make them feel better? which is good and which is bad? Now I can't tell the difference. Oh, well I suppose it's better now that its out in the open and almost sealed. The scar will always be there.
When someone is stuck in their own and old ways perhaps it's better to ask for forgiveness, allow them to decide and walk away. They will ask why you've changed and you wont have an answer.
Did I try to make amends to my myself feel better or to make them feel better? which is good and which is bad? Now I can't tell the difference. Oh, well I suppose it's better now that its out in the open and almost sealed. The scar will always be there.
When someone is stuck in their own and old ways perhaps it's better to ask for forgiveness, allow them to decide and walk away. They will ask why you've changed and you wont have an answer.
Monday, April 14, 2014
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” — Zora Neale Hurston
“But…as bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse—a lot worse— but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. And I learned from it.” -Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
“You tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake…You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that.”
— Warsan Shire
“When you have cancer, people send flowers; when you lose your mind, they don’t." -Elyn R. Saks
“I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it.” -Winona Ryder
“My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.” -
| Laurell K. Hamilton |
“But…as bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse—a lot worse— but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. And I learned from it.” -Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
“You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad."
“You tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake…You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that.”
— Warsan Shire
Monday, March 24, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Please Stop.
i'm getting a little tired of everyone bitching and moaning and stuff about school. I used too when I was in school, all the time! But here’s the thing you don’t realize…..School is temporary, it’s a lot of work!!! yes! however, with school there’s a bit more freedom.
You are allowed to have mental health days, you are allowed to ask for help with things, you are learning new things, you are allowed vacations winter, spring, summer. You are allowed to get things discounted with lots of stuff!, you may even be entitled to money itself, you are allowed to go to a ”gym” for free, you are allowed to buy lunch or get it for free, you are allowed to hang out with friends, you are guaranteed 2-maybe a day more off even holidays, you can be offered free health if needed especially mental depending, you are allowed less responsibility it’s all choice, you are allowed to sit on your ass for so many hours in a day. If you’re being bullied or hurt mentally you are allowed to tell, you are allowed to change schools.
When you’re out ”working” whether its your dream career or a job you need you do not get these^^.
You are not allowed a mental health day..unless you can afford it and which in this age you can’t You are allowed to ask for help but only so many times..the employer will then start to think you can’t do the job, you are allowed vacations but after working a year or two straight, You do not get things discounted if you work for a certain company it may depend, There are no ”here” money hand outs especially from aids at that point you need to qualify unless your parents are still helping you, You don’t get to have an hour of free gym time you have to make the time and pay like $30 a month for it, if you have a gym where you live…good for you, you are allowed to have a lunch but only if you work 5 hours or more a day and most likely you have to bring it or buy, You aren’t allowed to chit chat with friends or even co workers sometimes you probably aren’t even at the same job as them so social life is out, You aren’t always guaranteed 2 days off even holidays! You are not offered free health now adays jobs won’t even give you benefits unless you prove to them you can work 40-50 hours a week. Basically exhausting you to the point of a mental break and you have nothing, There is no less responsibility! you need to work to pay for every single solitary thing and pray that you make enough, you do not get to sit down for so many hours if youre at an office job you’d want to move around but regular jobs you’re on your feet all day dealing with demanding people. Guess what? there will probably be bullies at your job too I’ve dealt with many of them! even my ex-boss and you are allowed to tell but it may cost you your job. You are allowed to change jobs but it will cost you time and money you won’t have for a while.
I didn’t realize any of this until I graduated. School is really hard for people I understand that, School doesn’t prepare you for any of this^^^stuff I just mentioned. But, it’s not forever a job, a career that is basically forever. it’s harder and harder to be an adult now. Employers do not care if you’re sick, you don’t understand things, mentally drained, stressed, tired, hungry, cold, hot, sore, have no way of getting to work, and the best one yet if you’re going to school while working most employers do not care if you’re juggling! They want your time and work, don’t care if you need more hours or possibly less. etc etc etc..if you get a good employer then kudos! stick with the job if you like it! but this is reality…Don’t be in such a rush to become an adult unless you know you’ve got all your shit together…which you may think you do until life knocks you off your horse.
School really isn’t so bad..not all of it.
Honestly, Make the most of it.
You are allowed to have mental health days, you are allowed to ask for help with things, you are learning new things, you are allowed vacations winter, spring, summer. You are allowed to get things discounted with lots of stuff!, you may even be entitled to money itself, you are allowed to go to a ”gym” for free, you are allowed to buy lunch or get it for free, you are allowed to hang out with friends, you are guaranteed 2-maybe a day more off even holidays, you can be offered free health if needed especially mental depending, you are allowed less responsibility it’s all choice, you are allowed to sit on your ass for so many hours in a day. If you’re being bullied or hurt mentally you are allowed to tell, you are allowed to change schools.
When you’re out ”working” whether its your dream career or a job you need you do not get these^^.
You are not allowed a mental health day..unless you can afford it and which in this age you can’t You are allowed to ask for help but only so many times..the employer will then start to think you can’t do the job, you are allowed vacations but after working a year or two straight, You do not get things discounted if you work for a certain company it may depend, There are no ”here” money hand outs especially from aids at that point you need to qualify unless your parents are still helping you, You don’t get to have an hour of free gym time you have to make the time and pay like $30 a month for it, if you have a gym where you live…good for you, you are allowed to have a lunch but only if you work 5 hours or more a day and most likely you have to bring it or buy, You aren’t allowed to chit chat with friends or even co workers sometimes you probably aren’t even at the same job as them so social life is out, You aren’t always guaranteed 2 days off even holidays! You are not offered free health now adays jobs won’t even give you benefits unless you prove to them you can work 40-50 hours a week. Basically exhausting you to the point of a mental break and you have nothing, There is no less responsibility! you need to work to pay for every single solitary thing and pray that you make enough, you do not get to sit down for so many hours if youre at an office job you’d want to move around but regular jobs you’re on your feet all day dealing with demanding people. Guess what? there will probably be bullies at your job too I’ve dealt with many of them! even my ex-boss and you are allowed to tell but it may cost you your job. You are allowed to change jobs but it will cost you time and money you won’t have for a while.
I didn’t realize any of this until I graduated. School is really hard for people I understand that, School doesn’t prepare you for any of this^^^stuff I just mentioned. But, it’s not forever a job, a career that is basically forever. it’s harder and harder to be an adult now. Employers do not care if you’re sick, you don’t understand things, mentally drained, stressed, tired, hungry, cold, hot, sore, have no way of getting to work, and the best one yet if you’re going to school while working most employers do not care if you’re juggling! They want your time and work, don’t care if you need more hours or possibly less. etc etc etc..if you get a good employer then kudos! stick with the job if you like it! but this is reality…Don’t be in such a rush to become an adult unless you know you’ve got all your shit together…which you may think you do until life knocks you off your horse.
School really isn’t so bad..not all of it.
Honestly, Make the most of it.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Believing in Christ.
I was watching Hellbound? this documentary on everyone’s different perception on hell and if some are going or if no one is going. I can’t really understand why this is such a ”confusing topic” The bible states these things in black and white. I couldn’t believe how many pastors are preaching the wrong thing as well. One preacher was flat out saying “God hates everyone right now, literally hates you!!” One preacher was saying “don’t panic! If God loves you and his children then no one will go to hell” One man was saying that the description of hell Jesus spoke of in Revelation was about an event that had already occurred. “Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth” Giving some people a sigh of relief thinking that when they die it’ll be a purgatory like a time out until you realize he is real! which gives us more time to sin and not worry! NO! That’s a trap! Westboro Baptist church members, and the Mark Driscoll-like leaders, do not stand for my Christ!
I sitting here thinking like….What is wrong some christian’s/people today actually believing that. They’re following false prophets which the bible clearly warned us against and how to look for them. "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." Matthew 7:15
However, I can sorta feel why some partial believer’s, non believer’s, spiritual people would like to believe this notion that when they die they will go straight to paradise. They like this notion because it’s gives them sinful freedom. Basically saying “I don’t have to believe because your God apparently loves me and I don’t have to worry about the eternal punishment you speak of” Or the partial believer’s who think “I’m skeptic but I go to church and give to the poor so I’ll be fine on judgement day” etc. etc. Think of your own examples.
The bible, if you seriously read it! gives you clear instruction of what can happen if you don’t accept Jesus. Before Jesus we were all in trouble! But God didn’t want to be so far from us! He loves us so much! So he gave up his only son up for sacrifice so that we all will have a beautiful afterlife forever with him!
Here’s a scenario I was thinking about…
There are so many people who get so hurt when we say..Well, if you don’t believe in Jesus and help yourself you are going to be punished. I mean I don’t know if there’s an easier way to explain it..It sounds really harsh but it’s reality. But God is our heavenly FATHER so guess what he’s our parent. Our creator and we aren’t listening to him! What happens when you don’t listen to your parents? not all good things happen, What happens when you break the law? you go to jail! Everything has consequences so why shouldn’t your afterlife be the same ordeal?
Think about this:
How many lies have you told your whole life?
Have you ever stolen?
Have you lusted?
Have you been greedy?
Have you ever been insanely jealous?
Have you ever spoken the lord’s name in vain?
Have you denied belief?
have you ever betrayed someone?
If you have said yes to atleast all of these things then that makes you a
Liar
Thief
Selfish person
Adulterer
jealous person
Blasphemer
Doubter
Judas Iscariot
That’s probably a penny of what Judgement Day would be like. So I’m thinking for those who believe that in the end they’re all ”saved”…Well, If you knew a person whom you cared for did all these things against you personally and your family would be coming over to dinner after you’ve tried your best to be polite to them, Help them repeatedly, believe that there was hope they’d change and stop doing those things to you and your family? and on top of it you’ve had the hardest week of your life! Literally! Would you want them over? Do you think they would deserve the comforts of your home? The delicious food that you and your family made? And worked so hard for? Allow them to enjoy your company? Allow them to rejoice in joy? Think about it.
Why should Our heavenly father allow people to who do not believe in him, Who mock him, Who constantly choose willingly to ignore his word, Who choose willingly to side with the devil. Who rebel against everything he has ever asked allow you to come to his gates and open them to you? Why? Because you gave a homeless person 5 cents when you were 20? NO!
You cannot enter the kingdom of heaven on acts of kindness and being a good person! Not how it works. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 and Secondly For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18 With that no one is a perfectly good person. You’re a human being coming from Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve sinned against God because they were tempted by Lucifer.
The lord God will always love you! This is the biggest misconception a lot of false teacher’s preach. Like I said he’s our father. If you do something wrong he will be disappointed and hope you choose correct, repent and try again! Your sins are forgiven 70X7! forever and ever! His love is unconditional and endures forever. So please don’t believe that he hates you, he doesn’t love you, has abandoned you! Seek him! talk to him the best relationship you’ll ever have is with the lord!
When the end of your life comes and you do not accept Jesus well, then unfortunately, you don’t get to be home with him. There is only so much heartbreak a parent can take from a child who doesn’t want to know him, love him, and denies him. He gives you a choice! You get to choose your path. Choose wisely
And for all those Lucifer fans just so you know he’ll be there laughing and he is the accuser so he’s not on anyone’s side but his own he is sin.
We were given a way out of this though. Through Jesus Christ! He died for us and rose again so they we may live!
This wasn’t to judge or to point fingers this was to point out false teaching and make you think….Will I really be in heaven? Do I really deserve to be there? At heart no one on this earth deserves to be there! But with JESUS CHRIST WE DO!
I want everyone to come to Christ and rejoice! So that we all will be together in Heaven!
God Bless <3
I sitting here thinking like….What is wrong some christian’s/people today actually believing that. They’re following false prophets which the bible clearly warned us against and how to look for them. "Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." Matthew 7:15
However, I can sorta feel why some partial believer’s, non believer’s, spiritual people would like to believe this notion that when they die they will go straight to paradise. They like this notion because it’s gives them sinful freedom. Basically saying “I don’t have to believe because your God apparently loves me and I don’t have to worry about the eternal punishment you speak of” Or the partial believer’s who think “I’m skeptic but I go to church and give to the poor so I’ll be fine on judgement day” etc. etc. Think of your own examples.
The bible, if you seriously read it! gives you clear instruction of what can happen if you don’t accept Jesus. Before Jesus we were all in trouble! But God didn’t want to be so far from us! He loves us so much! So he gave up his only son up for sacrifice so that we all will have a beautiful afterlife forever with him!
Here’s a scenario I was thinking about…
There are so many people who get so hurt when we say..Well, if you don’t believe in Jesus and help yourself you are going to be punished. I mean I don’t know if there’s an easier way to explain it..It sounds really harsh but it’s reality. But God is our heavenly FATHER so guess what he’s our parent. Our creator and we aren’t listening to him! What happens when you don’t listen to your parents? not all good things happen, What happens when you break the law? you go to jail! Everything has consequences so why shouldn’t your afterlife be the same ordeal?
Think about this:
How many lies have you told your whole life?
Have you ever stolen?
Have you lusted?
Have you been greedy?
Have you ever been insanely jealous?
Have you ever spoken the lord’s name in vain?
Have you denied belief?
have you ever betrayed someone?
If you have said yes to atleast all of these things then that makes you a
Liar
Thief
Selfish person
Adulterer
jealous person
Blasphemer
Doubter
Judas Iscariot
That’s probably a penny of what Judgement Day would be like. So I’m thinking for those who believe that in the end they’re all ”saved”…Well, If you knew a person whom you cared for did all these things against you personally and your family would be coming over to dinner after you’ve tried your best to be polite to them, Help them repeatedly, believe that there was hope they’d change and stop doing those things to you and your family? and on top of it you’ve had the hardest week of your life! Literally! Would you want them over? Do you think they would deserve the comforts of your home? The delicious food that you and your family made? And worked so hard for? Allow them to enjoy your company? Allow them to rejoice in joy? Think about it.
Why should Our heavenly father allow people to who do not believe in him, Who mock him, Who constantly choose willingly to ignore his word, Who choose willingly to side with the devil. Who rebel against everything he has ever asked allow you to come to his gates and open them to you? Why? Because you gave a homeless person 5 cents when you were 20? NO!
You cannot enter the kingdom of heaven on acts of kindness and being a good person! Not how it works. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 and Secondly For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18 With that no one is a perfectly good person. You’re a human being coming from Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve sinned against God because they were tempted by Lucifer.
The lord God will always love you! This is the biggest misconception a lot of false teacher’s preach. Like I said he’s our father. If you do something wrong he will be disappointed and hope you choose correct, repent and try again! Your sins are forgiven 70X7! forever and ever! His love is unconditional and endures forever. So please don’t believe that he hates you, he doesn’t love you, has abandoned you! Seek him! talk to him the best relationship you’ll ever have is with the lord!
When the end of your life comes and you do not accept Jesus well, then unfortunately, you don’t get to be home with him. There is only so much heartbreak a parent can take from a child who doesn’t want to know him, love him, and denies him. He gives you a choice! You get to choose your path. Choose wisely
And for all those Lucifer fans just so you know he’ll be there laughing and he is the accuser so he’s not on anyone’s side but his own he is sin.
We were given a way out of this though. Through Jesus Christ! He died for us and rose again so they we may live!
This wasn’t to judge or to point fingers this was to point out false teaching and make you think….Will I really be in heaven? Do I really deserve to be there? At heart no one on this earth deserves to be there! But with JESUS CHRIST WE DO!
I want everyone to come to Christ and rejoice! So that we all will be together in Heaven!
God Bless <3
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Message of Love.
I keep having this reoccurring vision my mind tries to
prepare for,
Obviously a dreamlike one that my dad will somehow know where
I am
And knock on the door to see me first and explain everything
was a mistake.
There was a reason he had to ‘fake’ everything.
I nearly pass out, cry, and start screaming at him!
Getting upset then about an hour later I am so happy,
filled with joy and realize that all of my pain seemed to go
away.
It wasn’t there anymore and I am ecstatic because he isn't
gone after all,
the best part about it all is he gets too meet Randall.
Later, He goes and embraces my mother again she becomes
herself again
And my brother becomes the man I’d hoped he be, all things
somehow get better.
Yeah, just a silly dream.
So long since I’ve had you near.
Roses never fade.
-Sarah
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