Unexpected

No chances for goodbyes.

No explanations,

no reasons why.

You left without any notations.

I wanted to rip out my soul 

Can you hear me?

You left me here wounded.

 

Susanna Kaysen; Girl, Interrupted

• I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
• Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.
•  With wild eyes that had seen freedom
•  As far as I could see, life demanded skills I didn't have 
• “I was trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, You are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.
•  The point is, the brain talks to itself, and by talking to itself changes its perceptions. To make a new version of the not-entirely-false model, imagine the first interpreter as a foreign correspondent, reporting from the world.
• When I was supposed to be awake, I was asleep. When I was supposed to sleep, I was silent. When a pleasure offered itself to me, I avoided it. 
• Emptiness and boredom: what an understatement. What I felt was complete desolation. Desolation, despair, and depression. isn't there some other way to look at this? After all, angst of these dimensions is a luxury item. You need to be well fed, clothes, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. 
• I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't.
• It was a spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of
  warm earth. Suicide weather. 

I haven't posted anything in a while, I've been busy in my own head. So busy I have completely given up on what I love to do the most. The main hobbies I enjoy the most are completely meaningless too me inside. I yearn to do them and I want to go back to what I used to do. How do you go back to that? when does the pleasure of having dreams come back when you feel like you have completely lost yourself within other people? 

I feel trapped, Trapped inside an amazing hole. This black hole i currently live in is a blessing, I have been given everything! everything and yet I still find so many errors within the gifts. I sit back and i realize everyday it's because of the chemicals in my brain. 

Those chemicals do not go away over night and they do not go away over a mass number of years you tell yourself. It's a trial and error process. Some people I know, some people that claim to care about me sit back and observe me like i'm an animal being tested for reaction and soon to be death. That's how it feels. It burns inside like lava soothed fire. 

I am not a robot, I am not an average everyday living woman I have certain needs and a chemical reaction that can change me and my life instantly if i'm not careful enough.
I dont want to get out of bed, I dont want to talk to others, I want my bed and my love. I want to trap ourselves in a disillusion forever life seems like it would be more pleasant that way. 

As of now i was currently a potential blessing but heres the thing what if this blessing a wolf in sheeps clothing? is there any way to tell? Do I take the chance agian? .........






well, why not. 

Down on the West Coast.

Down on the west coast, I've lost all of my sense of reality. Why was it so much harder to live a normal road of life somewhere where else? What makes the way I live now any different? my mind and my sanity have only seemed to have shifted in different directions. my life seems to be finally moving to a forward wheel and i'm finally learning the ins and outs of life. A lot of my friendships down on the west coast are broken and shattered I have been trying to make some amends to some people I have dragged down with me to the pit of loneliness, anger, pain and resentment I was in at the time. When we leave foot prints on people why do we go back and try to cover them up? The conscience is a very powerful thing. Weather or not someone allows the print to be covered is entirely up to them.

Did I try to make amends to my myself feel better or to make them feel better? which is good and which is bad? Now I can't tell the difference. Oh, well I suppose it's better now that its out in the open and almost sealed. The scar will always be there.

When someone is stuck in their own and old ways perhaps it's better to ask for forgiveness, allow them to decide and walk away. They will ask why you've changed and you wont have an answer.

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” — Zora Neale Hurston

“When you have cancer, people send flowers; when you lose your mind, they don’t." -Elyn R. Saks

“I think too much. I think ahead. I think behind. I think sideways. I think it all. If it exists, I’ve fucking thought of it.”  -Winona Ryder

“My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you’ve been mean to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.” -

Laurell K. Hamilton

“But…as bad as it was, I learned something about myself. That I could go through something like that and survive. I mean, I know it could have been worse—a lot worse— but for me, it was all I could have handled at the time. And I learned from it.” -Nicholas Sparks, Dear John 

“You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad."

“You tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake…You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that.”
— Warsan Shire 

untitled.

Romanticisation of Mental Illness, Kelsey Weaver

Please Stop.

i'm getting a little tired of everyone bitching and moaning and stuff about school. I used too when I was in school, all the time! But here’s the thing you don’t realize…..School is temporary, it’s a lot of work!!!  yes! however, with school there’s a bit more freedom.

You are allowed to have mental health days, you are allowed to ask for help with things, you are learning new things, you are allowed vacations winter, spring, summer. You are allowed to get things discounted with lots of stuff!, you may even be entitled to money itself, you are allowed to go to a ”gym” for free, you are allowed to buy lunch or get it for free, you are allowed to hang out with friends, you are guaranteed 2-maybe a day more off even holidays, you can be offered free health if needed especially mental depending, you are allowed less responsibility it’s all choice, you are allowed to sit on your ass for so many hours in a day. If you’re being bullied or hurt mentally you are allowed to tell, you are allowed to change schools.

When you’re out ”working” whether its your dream career or a job you need you do not get these^^.

You are not allowed a mental health day..unless you can afford it and which in this age you can’t You are allowed to ask for help but only so many times..the employer will then start to think you can’t do the job, you are allowed vacations but after working a year or two straight, You do not get things discounted if you work for a certain company it may depend, There are no ”here” money hand outs especially from aids at that point you need to qualify unless your parents are still helping you, You don’t get to have an hour of free gym time you have to make the time and pay like $30 a month for it, if you have a gym where you live…good for you, you are allowed to have a lunch but only if you work 5 hours or more a day and most likely you have to bring it or buy, You aren’t allowed to chit chat with friends or even co workers sometimes you probably aren’t even at the same job as them so social life is out, You aren’t always guaranteed 2 days off even holidays! You are not offered free health now adays jobs won’t even give you benefits unless you prove to them you can work 40-50 hours a week. Basically exhausting you to the point of a mental break and you have nothing, There is no less responsibility! you need to work to pay for every single solitary thing and pray that you make enough, you do not get to sit down for so many hours if youre at an office job you’d want to move around but regular jobs you’re on your feet all day dealing with demanding people.  Guess what? there will probably be bullies at your job too I’ve dealt with many of them! even my ex-boss and you are allowed to tell but it may cost you your job. You are allowed to change jobs but it will cost you time and money you won’t have for a while.

I didn’t realize any of this until I graduated. School is really hard for people I understand that, School doesn’t prepare you for any of this^^^stuff I just mentioned. But, it’s not forever a job, a career that is basically  forever. it’s harder and harder to be an adult now. Employers do not care if you’re sick, you don’t understand things, mentally drained, stressed, tired, hungry, cold, hot, sore, have no way of getting to work, and the best one yet if you’re going to school while working most employers do not care if you’re juggling! They want your time and work, don’t care if you need more hours or possibly less. etc etc etc..if you get a good employer then kudos! stick with the job if you like it! but this is reality…Don’t be in such a rush to become an adult unless you know you’ve got all your shit together…which you may think you do until life knocks you off your horse.

School really isn’t so bad..not all of it.

Honestly, Make the most of it.